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4 Questions I Searched During My LDR

Unfortunately, my first “real” relationship just so happened to be long distanced. My lack of relationship experience plus the hundreds of miles in between us caused an end that I had already seen coming. Below are 4 questions that drove me crazy during the time of the relationship. By the way… my edges are still growing back from the stress of those 6 months.

1) What are the effects of an abrupt stop in your sex life?

I became mean… very mean. So mean to the point where I thought I would be stuck in a constant state of bitterness, no matter how many penises flew my way from that point forward. Ok I’m being dramatic, but I did see a shift in my mood after a couple of months without sex. As a single woman I was accustomed to having my needs met on a regular basis, so having a boyfriend who I would go weeks without being with drove me a little crazy. I sought to hold out, not only for him, but also to avoid the guilt I knew would swallow me up. There were many close calls… times where thoughts like “he’s probably cheating anyway”  would pop up as weak justifications for getting my fix elsewhere.

2) How crazy will I look if I popped up on him?

I’ve always considered myself a hopeless romantic and I spent many of my teenage and young adult years fantasizing about the grand gestures in every romantic comedy I had seen. So when I finally got my first real boyfriend, I naively assumed that those romantic actions automatically came with the relationship. I wanted to do it all and have it admittedly mostly done for me. I’m guilty of conceding to gender roles when their set to work in my favor. Standing at my open window with a boombox above your head? Why not? Chasing me through the airport to tell me you love me before I get on the plane? Let’s get it! But of course I don’t want to have to tell a guy to do those things. A man should already know… right? I quickly found out that ideology is beyond false and everyone has different expectations. When I saw that my guy wasn’t exactly the romantic type, it made me insecure in myself as if I needed a man to send me flowers to know my worth. Though I would’ve been happy to pop up at my man’s place as a surprise, his reluctance to show that type of affection put fear and doubt in my mind. What if I showed up at his door in heels and a raincoat only to be greeted by another woman? In my head it was the immature game of “he’s not doing it so why would should I?’ Since then I’ve learned that the only way I will be successful in a relationship is to holistically be myself… even if that means making romantic gestures that probably will never be reciprocated or even finding out painful truths in the process. Who knows? My initiative in that certain area might have inspired him… too bad we’ll never know

3)  Is it wrong to expect gifts on occasions from your long distance lover?

I’m all about honesty here no matter how bratty it makes me sound. I was excited about celebrating my first Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend and when it didn’t happen I was unreasonably upset. I knew we were long distance so I wasn’t expecting much, all it would have took was a couple of clicks on Amazon or even a cute phone call. I say unreasonably because their was no discussion prior to the holiday. I spent about a good 2 weeks after wallowing in my own sorrow, sending passive aggressive texts…. and who did it hurt? You guessed it, only me while he was going on with his life. It’s easy to say “he should’ve known” or “if he was serious about you he would’ve automatically done it without coercion.” I vented to a guy friend thinking he would nod and spit out rhetoric like “forget that guy” and “you can do better” … instead he told me I can’t expect anything I didn’t ask for. Because of that, I’ve learned the importance of putting your expectations all out on the table in order to stop resentment from manifesting in the relationship.

4) Is this even worth it?

As a worrier, it was very easy for me to doubt a positive outcome of my long distance relationship… even from the beginning.  “What man can go without sex this long?” and “We’re probably just wasting our time.” were just a couple of the many negative thoughts that would creep in my head whenever he’d take too long to message back or had a weird tone in his voice on the phone. I felt lonely, but didn’t feel the right to express that because I knew what I “signed up” for. The combination of my curiosity and anxiety caused an inevitable end to our relationship. I couldn’t trust him, so my resentment surfaced in the spiteful choices I made. To be blunt and simple – I was insecure. I couldn’t fathom a man being into me so much that he wouldn’t be swayed by the attention of other women.. not realizing that no matter how amazing of a person you are, your partner could still betray you. I still don’t know if I was right about him being unfaithful or if the demise of the relationship was just a manifestation of my negative thoughts.

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